Mildly Irritating....

So, I've never really talked about my mom's side of the family much on here. Mostly because I don't see them often and when I try to bond with "my generation" of the family, somehow it just never works out.

A little history. The month I was born my mom's parents divorced. So my life began amongst a lot of heart break and tension in the family. Apparently there was some alleged infidelity and lots of trust issues and my mom didn't even speak to her dad until I was like 7. So needless to say I was never close to him and in fact I really think he just doesn't care for me at all. Not sure why. We had one of those "clear the air" talks a few years ago but it seems for whatever reason he still is very distant. Not just with me but with my mom and apparently other members of the family as well.

On the other hand my mom's mother has lived with us since I was 15. Before she moved in we were with her almost every night for dinner and before she moved to Albany to be near us we'd see her at least every other weekend. Needless to say, she and I are very close. I can psychically tell if she sneezes sideways.

Well every year the family gets together for one big event per parent. Christmas is usually for Papa and Easter (Meme's b-day) is hers. My mom's older brother is usually the one who hosts the shindigs. But in the last couple of years he's sort of gotten burned out with the process. Things just have to be perfect when the very critical wife of the father is around or you will hear about your one speck of dust for decades! yeah really.

So this year I decided to give my uncle a break and host at my house. One should note here that I've lived in said house for 7 years now and the grandfather has never been here. Not even once. But I'm not bitter. oh no, not me. Well the whole family agreed back in the Spring that we'd have the party on a certain weekend and I'd host. Yay! Fun for me as I love to host a party and can't wait to have all of my family snuggly on my big comfy couch! and Yay for the uncle who won't have to worry about the stress of hosting. Should be a win-win right?

Well of course not. Apparently my grandfather "accidentally" got the date wrong and now can't make it. Why am I not surprised? So of course he wanted us all to change around our other December plans to have it another weekend. Umm, ok. So we all tried. But when 23 people have planned for 6 months to get together on one day and one person misses the date, well guess what? So sorry. We decided to go on with Christmas with out him.

I guess my inner child is upset because again she's rejected by her only living "father" type person. Apparently his homeowners association is more important than his family. Nice, eh?

Grown up me is trying to let it ride. I mean now that the wife won't be here we can all wear our stretchy pants and have a real family Christmas where we fall into Turkey comas after lunch and lounge about watching the kids play with their new toys and not worry about being perfect. We can just enjoy the time and love being together, even if it is a rare treat.

Reader from Arizona?

I am not sure who is reading me from Scottsdale, AZ but apparently all they wanted to read were the days around Michael's death. I don't know why this bothers me so much. But I wanted to see what they were reading as I honestly don't remember much of what I wrote in those first few weeks after he passed.

Wow. I really shouldn't have done that. I am really trying to move forward and make a great new life for my baby and myself. Rereading those posts really has gotten to me. I feel so sorry for that "me".

The me I was almost a year and a half ago was a very tortured person. Every other post was sad and angry and guilty and then oscillated to being giddy and in denial and completely out of control. I now understand why my friends were so worried about me. Tragic shock really does things to people. Now, as the woman on the other side, I truly do feel a great deal of sorrow for that other woman who was going through so much.

I have no idea how I came out of that period alive and mostly sane. I'm whole now and am fully ready to move into this next book in the series of novels that will make up my life story.

There are a few things I really do understand now.

#1) Judging some one's actions before you know what they are going through or have been through is toxic and unfair. All people deserve some measure of compassion, but even that has limits.

#2) In the end the only one who will take care of you, is you. No boss or co-worker or friend or family member can live your life for you. Each day YOU have to wake up and do it yourself.

#3)True love never dies. Be it the true love of a friend, family or a long lost lover. When you truly love someone they are always in your heart even if it hurts too much to keep them. Sometimes you have to let them go... at least for a while.

#4) God is love. The truth is that our relationships with each other are to be cherished but our relationship with Him is what will keep us whole.

Some Halloween Fun...

Because even *I* still have a sense of humor!

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Closer to fine...

I'm in an Indigo Girl's kind of mood tonight. Not sure why. Feeling hopeful but not forgetting the recent pain. Even as the hope that comes with new beginnings is starting to wash over me, I can't help but remember the bright red stains of pain I've recently worn for all of the world to see.

But hope does act like a cool dew and make the world seem like a new place again.

So, why the new hope? Well it seems I have a new opportunity with AT&T. It will be contract to start with but there is the possibility to convert to a permanent position after the first of the year. So this is good news. Finally I can stop doubting myself professionally and get back in the game. Providing for myself and my little family is my biggest responsibility in this world so knowing I have the chance to do so, well that makes things at least seem like they are moving in a more positive direction.

So new job and a rekindled love. Things are looking up *knock on wood*.

Things with Stephen are going very well. It is really surprising me how sweet and even sentimental he is. The other night he sat up listening to cheesy love songs online and gave me a list I had to look up and listen to because they reminded him of me... See, schmoopy! (sh-uh-moo-pee)

Schmoopy is my new favorite word, btw. It's sweet and sappy and snuggly and smoochy all rolled together and tucked in with a big grandma style cheek pinch.

Stephen makes me feel all schmoopey. It is better than good. It's warm brownies and ice cream. It's my favorite baby blanket of Katie's fresh from the dryer. It's that warm fuzzy you get when you are with your family and know you belong and are loved.

Stephen = Schmoopy.

Sometimes it only takes something small to totally derail my emotional stability. I guess that's just part of being a bit fragile lately.

I feel better...

For the first time, in a long time, I feel better. I am still fighting that deep nagging feeling that I am staring at impending doom occasionally. But all in all, it has gotten better.

I think part of that is several projects around the house have progressed. Thanks to my mom, Luke and Stephen last weekend was HIGHLY productive.

So I guess I should back up to my lunch with Stephen. Things went much better than I ever could have dreamed. It started out with a hello hug and kiss and moved into a very pleasant conversation over a wonderful lunch. There were a lot of long gazes into eachother's eyes and just a great sense of peace in the meeting.

After lunch we decided to head over to my house to take a survey of the projects that needed to be done. We started by clearing out the last of the boxes in the office and moving the furniture to the center of the room. Once we got that done it was time to go get Katie.

Katie was happy to meet Stephen and kept telling him she'd met him before, lol. We all went to the park where much to my amazement Stephen was a kid magnet. At one point he was running in the grass barefoot with three giggling girls chasing him. The sight was amusing and endearing. From the park we went home for spaghetti night and more getting to know eachother again. As it got later Stephen offered to stay over and help me get the office painted Friday so it'd be done when my mom got here. So after Katie went to sleep we snuggled and smooched a little and watched TV. It was nice and very non-aggressive on his part, which I appreciated very much.

So this easy pattern continued through Friday. We got the office painted. Did a little art project with Katie after school. Mom and Luke came into town and we all went out for pizza. Stephen hung out Friday night too and helped Luke chop up a huge tree that had fallen outside while Mom and I took Katie to gymnastics. Stephen was going to go home after that but was pooped and fell asleep while watching me fold laundry, lol. By the time we all were rested and had done the scheduled activites of the day it was dinner time again... O'Charlies... yummmm. Then family tv night and more sleep... Sunday morning Mom and Luke left a little before noon and after helping me get the furniture moved back around in the office, Stephen headed out himself.

This has to be a record for the longest second, first date in the history of the world! It was so nice and easy. Lots of laughing and affection. I'm very glad Stephen is back. So far I am seeing all of the wonderful things that had me falling for him over a decade ago with out all of the immaturity and rebellion.

So far, so good. I'm still taking it slow physically and emotionally. While I can feel my defenses loosening a bit, I'm still cautious and remember how badly he hurt me before. I'm trying to realize he is a different person now. Heck, we both are.



On another note. Apparently some people have seen my blog reguarding Jeff. I just want to state for the record that he is a good man. He never intended to hurt me or to show anything but kindness to myself and my daughter. In relationships, life sometimes just gets in the way. While I fell completely head over heels for this man he had to choose his children over his personal life. I do respect this and hope that anyone who reads my random musings about him will understand that this is my perspective and my way to vent and work through my life. In no way should my blog be used to judge others. This is just the way I saw things in the moment I needed to purge my thoughts.- Thanks!